Well, the obvious first one is Roisin’s post entitled ‘What I’m Reading’ which is the direct inspiration for this post you’re reading now.
Whenever I’m asked what I’m reading I scramble through the mental library in my mind to try figure out the last time I picked up a book and maybe finished it. When was the last time I held bound pages in my hands? Curled fingers over pages and devoured the way I did when I was a teenager.
I remember reading once that the reason you may not read as much as an adult if you were an avid reader as a teenager is that you have less to hide from these days. There’s not so much of a need to lose yourself in fantastical worlds and picture yourself somewhere different. I take no shame in saying that is why I read so much as a young child and teenager. Years of being bullied meant that books were a safe haven, the library at lunchtime was a safe haven. Now I can create my safe havens with people and locations and jobs and culture and everything else that makes life more enjoyable and safe. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love reading, that the only reason I was doing it was to escape.
Too often I had said that I have fallen in and out of love with reading. I’ve posted about my desire to read more and the struggle to sit down and actually do it. I can pinpoint books that made me fall back in love and crave the written word. That made me turn off my phone, negate sleep, and forget about everything but what happens next.
Books like The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab which I was meant to read with a friend in Darwin but I read the first 100 pages, had to go do a glittering shift, went to bed, then woke up the next day, put my phone in another room, and read the next 338 pages in one sitting. Or Tracy Deonn’s Legendborn which kept me up til 2AM and so did the sequel. The moment I finished both of them I video-called a friend to scream about the ending and indulge in a feeling I hadn’t felt since I was 16. What about the Monk and Robot series from Becky Chambers that I’ve been thinking about since putting it down, the first of which I ended my year with, the second on a little weekend escape to Victor Harbor, and both leaving me with this feeling of re-writing my DNA that I got one of the key philosophies tattooed onto my body.
I remember these books so clearly as they were all I thought about when I was reading them. Nothing else mattered, just what was between those pages. Is that what an addiction feels like? So consuming that all you can think about is them? Maybe they were my fixes and what I really should be doing is taking a more casual approach to reading.
According to my book catalogue app, I own 274 books. I have 103 books on my wish list. I have read 91 of the 274 books. If we look at my reading track app, I am currently reading 4 books. I know that I’m actually reading 6. But I’m really reading 2. Well, I’m carrying around 1 and thinking every couple of days “oh I should finish that other one”.
What I’m Reading:
The Atlas Paradox by Olivie Blake was a book I bought at the airport from Melb-Adl. I had just finished The Atlas Six which had ended on a cliffhanger and was desperate to know what happened next. I now know what happened next but for some reason, I have no burning desire to finish the book. I will one day. Probably. For now it will continue to be carried from room to room, staring at me in the hopes that I’ll pick it up and finish it.
After Australia edited by Michael Mohammed is the placeholder for my want to always have some sort of collection on the go. I adore an anthology, a short story collection, a picking of the ‘best of’. They’re like little treats and I don’t deny that this is a collection I’ll recommend to anyone who asks. But I’m 45% into it and currently aren’t craving a treat.
Nepantla: An Anthology Dedicated to Queer Poets of Color edited by Christopher Soto was a Christmas gift from a dear friend who told me that it took her a while to track down and find. The little bits I’ve read of it so far are divine. But I think poetry needs to be sat with, processed, and I may just be saying that to justify that I haven’t picked up this book in four months.
Crying in the H Mart by Michelle Zauner is a book I want to finish but I’m afraid it might rip open some raw wounds. Or rub salt in them. Either way, it’ll be painful. I don’t read a lot of memoirs, but I love Michelle’s music and I think I know that one day I will have to face my grief head on and this book will help me do that. I just don’t think I’m ready for it yet.
Star Wars the High Republic: Out of the Shadows by Justina Ireland is my first foray into the High Republic of the Star Wars universe. In my book reading rules not only must I have a collection on the go, but also a Star Wars books. This is probably a surprise to no one, unless you didn’t know there was a Star Wars literary universe in which case welcome, you let me know what you want to know more about and I will point you in the right direction (Lost Stars by Claudia Gray is usually my first recc). I love Star Wars. I want to know about the High Republic. But this book has been sitting by my bed for enough months that it has started to collect dust.
Fangirls: Scenes from Modern Music Culture by Hannah Ewens is the book I am actually currently reading. This is the one I am carrying around with me. This is the book I’ve pulled out at lunch a couple of times to squeeze a couple of pages in, or have been reading on the tram. This is the book that reminded me that I can walk whilst reading as that comes from a place of wanting to know where the thought ends. It could be because I see myself in this book, and that’s why it’s so easy to pick up and consume. When I find myself getting lost in Fangirls I find myself getting lost in my past… or my inner teen.
I’ll probably have more thoughts when I’ve finished it as I do believe I’ll finish reading this one.
Soon.
So maybe I’m not craving a reading fix. Maybe it’s not that I fall in and out of love with reading. Maybe it’s about time and overcommitting myself and putting a healthy and manageable amount of pressure to encourage me to do something I genuinely enjoy. Maybe I need to reevaluate my relationship with reading and definitely with buying books - at this point, I’m like a dragon sitting on top of a hoard of books and not letting anyone, including myself, near them (rawr).
And I think that’s it for this one. I think the termite inspector is about to knock on my door.
Thanks Roisin.
Ah, what an honour! I was looking forward to reading this all day and I have so many thoughts.
Firstly, Fan girl Caitlin FOREVER!!
Secondly, please do update us on your thoughts when you finish the Fangirl book, it sounds amazing and I loved your description of reading it. Wait, let me scroll up and quote it… “the book that reminded me that I can walk whilst reading as that comes from a place of wanting to know where the thought ends.” Delicious.
Lastly, I hate that there’s this pressure behind reading (I feel it too!). One of the things I hate most about this pressure is that implies that there is only way to read. The counting and tallying and the Booktok people who say they’ve read 200 books in 3 months all imply that to actually, properly read something is to do so cover to cover as quickly as humanly possible. Why is that more valid than dipping in and out? Or why is that more gratifying than reading one page but remembering one of the lines for months or years?
I guess what I’m saying is there are so many different ways to read and I think if I had to define what I mean by ‘reading’ it would be a lot more expansive than simply finishing a book. I think reading one chapter thoroughly, or watching a tv show in a particuarly headspace, or listening to an album, or having a particular kind of conversation with someone we love or admire touches on the same thing. But what is that thing? Maybe an impluse to collect, or to connect, or to think, or (as you say) to find out where the thought ends?
'What I really should be doing is taking a more casual approach to reading' made me laugh out loud at the dining table. I understand it WELL. I'm all or nothing with reading, and I'm discovering lately, everything else too.